Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
