i just had sex bonerless
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
