i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
