Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize