Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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