hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
