life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
