I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
