I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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