I didn't shave. On purpose
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
