His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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