im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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