Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
