I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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