I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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