1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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