Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
