I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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