You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
