i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
