So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
