I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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