Michael Bay diarrhea
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
