just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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