it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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