Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
