from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
