woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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