Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
