and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
