This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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