So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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