not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
