sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
