I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
