I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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