That's intense
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
