I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
