Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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