I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
