can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
