I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
