tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
