So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
