If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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