They should really pass out barf bags in church
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
