you will always have a special place in my vag
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are