Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?