I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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