Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
