this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
