There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
