everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
