JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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