I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
