Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
