I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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