Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
