I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
